Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
