If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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