Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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