I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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