Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
