i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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