Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
