If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
