I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
