You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
