I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
