just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He better not be in your backpack
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
A+ Viking dick
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
