I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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