I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
