This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She even gives head with a lisp.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
