mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
