I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
