Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need a hoe opinion
go on
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
