I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
