If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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