I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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