i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
