I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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