how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize