hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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