the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
