he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She even gives head with a lisp.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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