Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize