I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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