Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
