Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My pussy is not your playground.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
