PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you never un-have a 4some
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
