The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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