Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
