a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
