Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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