I am spending my child support on dildos
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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