Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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