I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
