my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
