Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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