omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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