if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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