I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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