My room smells like vodka and shame
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
