god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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