yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
