If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
