I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
