why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
