Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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