Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
