he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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