she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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