Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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