Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
