god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
